Diet Coke, hold the Rum: Socializing Sober

I used to enjoy alcohol beverages for social occasions because it helped me to relax and let loose. For most people, alcohol helps to temporarily numb any social anxiety and awkwardness. Feeling socially awkward is not the same thing as "low self-esteem." I have always had a healthy dose of confidence, but have always felt socially peculiar especially around people I am just getting to know. It is natural in my opinion and actually more common for the majority of people to feel self conscious, even if they care to not admit so.

People are all striving towards some form of acceptance no matter who they are- they want to be understood and loved and know that they are not alone. The most over used ideology, phrase, cliche, and repeated mantra most people say is "I don't care what people think." Because if you are simply human, you will naturally care what other people think to a small degree. Some have mastered the art of not caring what people think, but not everyone is born with natural tendencies to not be concerned about others viewpoint of them.

Because, drinking, socializing, and wanting acceptance comes from over thinking what people think.  And for the most part, if there are those that begin drinking to relax and loosen up, talk to that cute girl at the bar that they would normally be scared to ask out. Talk to peers or friends in a way that is not, well, themselves. Why? Because many people at the end of the day are sometimes sick of being themselves. Living in a world full of social rules and decorum. They want to escape, loosen up, dance crazy, shout at the top of their lungs, and swing their hair all around. They want to let go in a way that they normally can't. They want to escape the reality of who they are and the reality of life.

Other times, drinking is not as complex. From the beginning of time, it has been a way to socialize and bond. It has been the largest bonding agent in America for centuries now. It is so ingrained in our society, that many still are not able to know how to bond without the use of alcohol. Whether it is one drink, a bottle of wine, or a keg. Alcohol allows us to be less inhibited. It is similar to the excitement everyone feels for dressing up on Halloween. You get to be someone else for a day. You get to be as silly, as scary, as wild looking, as freaky as you want and no one will judge you. Everyone will except you.


Alcohol allows us to drop our guards and our personal boundaries, by allowing us to be uninhibited enough to erase the bit of consciousness left in us that rationalizes and over analyzes. Being someone who is confident and yet suffers with social anxiety, I have always hated the strangeness of new encounters or ones that made me dig deep to learn to re-adjust to new environments. However, being in the Army has allowed me and my husband to adjust more easily to almost any situation. Yes, I get stressed out, but the day we both decided to commit our lives to not drinking again was a day that we completely cut alcohol out of our lives. We decided we did not want to drink anymore. It was too costly in more ways than one. It was risky and dangerous and always lead people to do crazy things. The higher amounts of negative consequences due to drinking outweighed the positive reasons to have it in our lives. Plus, it was a stimulant one that was not natural and toxic to our memory, liver, and overall health.

It has been about a year now since we stopped drinking alcohol. I used to smoke cigarettes and cigars too believe it or not. I had quit on and off for years. But finally, I gave it up completely a year ago when I gave up drinking. I wanted to not be addicted to anything, not have anything dominate my life to such a degree that it controlled me. Someone with an addiction is someone with an illness that controls their life. Having a father who is an alcoholic, a grandmother who is, and a grandfather who died from it- I decided to cut alcohol out of my life. I was always an occasional drinker, but could have become an alcoholic if I continued to indulge in it- especially with my family history on my father's side.

My husband and I at Wiseguys, Lake Placid, NY with friends

So, those of us who have stopped drinking. You have to re-learn how to socialize without the use of alcohol. You have to re-learn how to organically find the strength to flow with any natural social anxiety and move through the feelings- not trying to find the solution at the bottom of a cocktail glass. My husband and I have many friends and family that drink from social drinkers to those that are alcoholics. On a Saturday night, many friends want to hang out at bars. Today we enjoyed ourselves at "Wiseguys" in Lake Placid, NY- a super fun little ski town bar. We met up with our friends. We drank our soda and water and we had a good time, sober. It still feels strange for me, to not be tempted to pick up a glass of wine and say what is the big deal. But, it is a pact that we made and something we've decided we would cut out for the rest of our lives. While that may be drastic to some people, other people may find that it is honorable learning the amount of discipline it takes to control your life and not let it control you.

Water in hand and one goofy smile across my face; this is me having a
blast sober and yet organically drunk off life.

Social networking often relies on parties, bar nights, alcohol, dancing, karaoke and some good old drunken singing/shouting. Social networking often requires this sort of bonding. But, you can eat bar food, play pool and darts and sing at the top of your lungs and not be drunk. My epiphany came today in one humorous realization.


That, if you are not a drinker and you must socialize, bond, network with peers, co-workers, and people you need to be schmoozing with or around family and close friends. If it is alcohol related schmoozing (which most American bonding requires) then you treat it like Halloween. You can not go wrong at all. You can scream and yell and dance around and do the old fashion line-dance all by yourself. You can do it all and no one will care because, they'll all assume that you are drunk. They will also be too drunk to care anyway. Or, you can be as reserved as you want. You can smile as little as you want. You can be as serious as you want. You can be as yourself as you want and no one will care. Why? Well, because again- they will all be too drunk to notice. Either way, when having to network and schmooze and not a drinker, that is okay. Behave however you want because the drunkards around you will not remember a thing in the morning. So, order that diet coke- hold the rum, and embrace socializing sober.

"Some one who can live organically is someone with a lot of confidence, self esteem and motivation to make their own choices and have their own voice. They stand up for their beliefs and do not let others dictate their lives. They need not escape from reality, but live in it." Sonyo Lee Ferstl

How to Utilize Linkedin For Effective Networking

There are many forms of networking tools to utilize these days and more are getting developed. With the flood of viral communication, the important thing to keep in mind are which social media sites you want to invest your time.

Negative Effects of Social Media (primarily Facebook):

1. Increases isolation and reduces real life communication with people.

2. Increases misunderstandings if words or something that is written is taken out of context or interpreted wrong.

3. Increases time on the computer, wasting away countless hours.

4. Increases chance of identity theft.

5. Increases cyber stalking, snooping, ease-dropping.

6. Increases anti-social behavior.

7. Trains this generation of being less capable of real communication, reducing the ability to communicate in person.

8. Allows fantasy to over-ride a person's life, increasing escapism.

9. Allows people to believe that unknown viral friends are somehow real when most of them they have never met in real life.

10. It is not real.

The absolute best example of this is in the new Toyota commercial.

However, the best sort of social networking use are for the following purposes: obtaining jobs, job leads, connections for small and large businesses, viral marketing and PR uses for self publishing or self promotion of any type. Social networking is a powerful tool. But, needs to be intelligently used. One highly recommended site I use the most is Linkedin. I feel that it is the only professional networking site that does help you get connected to jobs. While Facebook has attempted their own version called "Branchout," it still doesn't come close to Linkedin. Unfortunately, anything on Facebook can not be taken seriously. Posts people have of their parties, drinking binges, and even bragging about murders- as one kid did when he killed his parents in Florida, then posted it up on Facebook, inviting his friends to a party while his parents were rotting away. 

Linkedin, you can begin with the contacts you do have and then spread out by joining professional groups. You have to be accepted by the group. But, once you do- in each group there are many more members you can connect with. You can send them an invitation request if you have their e-mail, if you know them personally, or if you are apart of the same group. So far, I have joined 32 professional groups. I have been able to join in discussions, inquiries, and spread my networking. Linkedin is not a waste of time, with the proper use and knowledge- one can learn to get a job and continue to network on a professional level.

The rule of thumb for anyone in college (undergrad, grad, PHD) schools/Universities, in a business, or any professional environment where you are in contact with bosses, peers, and professors.

1. Learn how to listen.

2. Learn how ask the right questions.

3. Be friendly and social, but sincere (not fake).

4. Be a team player.

5. Establish professional boundaries immediately (by far the most important- even boundaries with family and close friends).

My Linkedin Groups where I am a participatory member:

• Adobe Photoshop Group

  
  
• Adobe Premiere

  
  
• 

  Avid

  
  
• 

  Career Prospectors

  
  
• 

  Crew

  
  
• 

  CS5 users SUBGROUP

  a subgroup of Adobe Photoshop Group
• 

  Entertainment Industry

  
  
• 

  Entertainment Research

• 

  Film TV Professionals

  
  
• 

  Hollywood funds

  
  
• 

  Hollywood Greenlight Group

  
  
• 

  Hooray for Hollyworld! (12,000+)

  
  
• 

  Independent Filmmakers and Screenwriters

  
  
• 

  Media & Entertainment Professionals

  
  
• 

  New York City Entertainment and Media (Film, Television, Theater and Literary)

• 

  Newhouse Alumni Network

  
  
• 

  Newhouse NYC SUBGROUP

  a subgroup of Syracuse University Newhouse School Alumni
• 

  Photoshop Cs5

• 

  PMI Mile Hi Chapter

• 

  REAL WOMEN IN FILM

• 

  Reality TV Professionals

• 

  S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications Group

• 

  Showbizjobs.com

  
  
• 

  SI Newhouse School of Public Communications Alumni Group

  
  
• 

  Syracuse University Newhouse School Alumni

• 

  Syracuse, NY Jobs

• 

  The Film Production Network (www.vfx-recruit.com)

  
  
• 

  ThoseInFilms

  
  
• 

  TV & FILM JOB LOOP

  
  
• 

  Web Developer & Graphic Designer

  
  
• 

  Worldwide Independent Content Creators

• 

  Writer's Guild of America

Stepping out of the Matrix: Deleting Facebook

I am becoming more and more aware of the dangers regarding the internet and social media. Facebook now owns the rights to all of your pictures and information no matter if you cancel your service with them or not. It is a lot like spying on someone's life too, as most social media. Even if you are not friends with someone on Facebook, you can still know a friend of someone who is connected to a person you want to follow, ease-drop, and pretty much gather information. 

Pugil match FRG (family readiness group) fundraiser
Fort Drum, NY

Very early this morning, a friend of mine today deleted his Facebook and texted me saying, "Hey, didn't delete you on purpose. Just wanted to delete my Facebook- wanted to step out of the Matrix. I want to know people in real life." I thought that was a great message. 

Later that day, I coincidentally ended up battling my own faceless and nameless cyber-spies documenting my every thought; I realized how easy our information can be used against us. Why, I just blogged about this very thing not long ago. It was about media decorum and reminding ourselves of what we can and can not say. I had no idea just how quickly I would have to remind myself of this very lesson. Things we write can be misinterpreted, tracked, and used against us. Yet, as a wise friend has advised me that often standing up for our rights, giving our own critical analysis, and standing for our belief in personal justice- is a hard, unpopular road to travel down. But, either stand by silently and let it eat you alive inside or you bring to light matters of the heart. It is a personal choice.  

I disconnected my Facebook after realizing I grew tired of having my own pugile stick match, defending words that shouldn't have been read as my Facebook was set on Private and yet invaders still found a way to sneak in. Although recently, Facebook has updated their privacy. I still decided to press "disconnect" from my Facebook account. Users have a huge responsibility on what they write. Therefore, it was best to take down my Facebook account or deal with the constant worry if what I say on this social networking site will be taken incorrectly. Until Facebook can prove that it has sufficiently improved their ability to protect ones privacy. I will not be re-activating my account any time soon. So, I heaved a heavy sigh of relief and pressed "delete." Since I needed to take responsibility for my own actions, I did just that by deciding to step away from the Facebook addiction to that Matrix- that false world.

I turned off my computer and smiled at the day I had with the people in my life. Real people, ones that I worked closely as a team to raise money for Family Readiness Group. A group that helps families of deploying and deployed soldiers at war. I watched as men, women, and soldiers all helped as a team to do simple things like pass out food and the most popular chili for their money's worth. Everyone smiled, laughed, and all treated each other like equals. In the Army, there is the highest level of team-player mentality that goes above any film set and class room I have ever been apart of. Being there, working together brought me back to that place. It erased any negative words and false accusations made by those that do not know me. Because, those that do know me know that one of my strengths is being a team player and working hard, carrying a heavy load or level of responsibility if I have to- just to ensure the goal we set out to do is achieved.

Together, we fed hungry soldiers and families and children and wives. We help break down the food table, take out the trash, and well- none of us walked away without getting our hands dirty. No one was better, no one was in a "click" everyone was, well, equal. I found today to be a new embrace of the good I know that is in me and it gave me hope. The misconception that most have with the Army or the military is that they do not blend with civilians. They are grouped together and unable to "play well" with the rest of society. This is a huge misconception. On the contrary, the military men and women and families are the most flexible people I know, myself included. Because we move a lot, we easily establish ways of re-adjusting to our new environment and set of friends quickly. But, our biggest strength is our ability to know how to work as a team. 

And all it takes is one or a few antagonists in our lives to spread character assassinations- causing a ripple effect of negative energy effecting how the rest of your world sees you. Go to the grocery store, look in the magazines, tabloids and see the number of negative stories with celebrities posted. Their faces and their stories and some that are true, but most stories are character spears, assassinations and down right non-sense. How much of their lives are effected by a couple of rumors spread? Character assassinations that basically taint so many people's views of you before ever getting to know the you that you know you are, stripped from any exaggerations, misunderstanding, and mis-characterization?

If not careful, Facebook can do this to us and yes, we have to take some responsibility for what we post. It is our fault for posting up material that may offend others. So, if this happens, perhaps you may need to do the honorable think and disconnect from your Facebook account. Because, social media can come in to our lives to only create havoc. The larger your base of followers in any circle- the harder it is to maintain or keep track. Some may want to be a viral celebrity, while others are finding that it is better to press "delete." No misunderstanding, no hurt feelings, nothing taken personal, no more misjudging friends that have crazy extra-curricular activities you do not agree with or invitations not sent to you, the hours in your day wasted. The list goes on and on. The headache is over for me.

Good bye Facebook, I will not be re-activating my account unless Facebook changes their privacy policy. I am going to film more mountain biking this weekend, spending it hiking and with friends, with my husband and my dogs in Lake Placid. I am going to enjoy my life out side of the Matrix.

2 Kinds of People: Eat the RAW steak vs. Complain to the Waiter

My husband and I were eating dinner at a steak restaurant once. It wasn't a typical steak place- it was a really expensive place where they specialized in their amazing steak-cooking abilities. He ordered his steak well done and I ordered mine- medium rare. Well, when our food came- I got what I wanted and I was pretty happy. I ordered a medium rare and that is what I got. However, when my husband received his (well done), it was all but walking off his plate. Yep. His wasn't just a little pink, it was RAW.  It was bloody, uncooked, and pretty disgusting unless you like to eat raw meat.

When I informed him that he needed to say something, speak up. He grew worried and didn't want to be "that kind of customer." You know, the one that is a pain in the ass. It took a few more attempts to chew his uncooked meat and nearly vomiting at that- to finally cause him to flag the waiter and speak up.

THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD:

1. THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE TYPE: Those that do not speak up, do things underhandedly when they are upset and are afraid of confrontation. These are the types that will smile to your face and back stab you at the same time.

OR

2. THE  "I TAKE NO BS"  STRAIGHT FORWARD TYPE: The person that confronts issues head on and tells the waiter "I didn't order raw meat." I am that kinda guy. Not the quiet type that is afraid to simply ask for an expensive steak to be cooked a bit longer. 

People that are my friends actually appreciate my straight forwardness. Others that don't like it are not my friends and I do not associate with them. Period. People value genuineness too. They know when you are real and when you are fake. That is why I do not believe in simply networking and cold/superficial contacts where people want to keep you at arms length. 

Recently in the last 2 days my persistance has landed me an internship with a Los Angeles studio and a potential offer to write a biography of someone's amazing true life story. I did this through utilizing my contacts (over 600 now- 95% are all film industry) on Linkedin and also my ability to connect with people and really care about them. 

Hey, so some people may think that being #2 on my personality list above is a bit "Oh my gosh....she's so abrasive. Why doesn't she just eat the raw meat and not complain to the waiter. What will the waiter and the restaurant think of her if she complains!"I prefer to be myself and those that really want to work with me- can. Those that don't- hey, more power to you.

Bottom Line: Do not be afraid to speak up. Because, while some may not jive with my blunt approach. I have many more contacts that would prefer it any day of the week above fake passive aggressive BS. I am a straight shooter. So far, I have already landed an internship in Los Angeles and a potential book writing gig. The internship is still being ironed out- as we are trying to work out a way to do it via telecommuting. Which is possible. The book writing gig- I just said "ABSOLUTELY" to her today. Being that this will be my 2nd official book I write (3rd if you count an unpublishable 600 page mess I wrote 12 years ago). So, I know all too well, it is not an easy undertaking when creating anything. There will be hard work ahead, but those that know me know that I am not afraid of hard work. 

Hey, so these aren't 6 figure job offers, but for a current Grad student- it is not bad. I must be doing something right and that must be that those that do like me- are the potential job opportunities that matter.

"You draw more people to you with honey than you do with vinegar." Yeah, yeah, yeah.....BUT, "A CLOSED MOUTH DOESN'T GET FED EITHER, AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA BUY HONEY WITHOUT THE MONEY?!?!" 

Productivity: Healthy Breaks vs. Brain Numbing

When you want to get more creative, some times cleaning your house helps. With a clean environment you can think more clear and feel more refreshed. In the same way, exercising regularly allows for the blood to flow through you and helps to reduce stress. With an organized desk and home, more time can be spent focusing on being creative.

Today I took my dogs out for a run, as I cycled on my bike in the light drizzling rain and enjoyed it. It allowed me to clear my head and get away from video editing. For me, I feel that taking time to relax is not my preference. Instead, my preference is to continue to work on my craft every day. I do not believe that one can become a better writer, filmmaker, editor, artist- by taking breaks. It is important to relax, but for me it is more important to constantly work on developing your skill. If I do need to relax or take a break, it is important to know how to do it.

Craft development can only be achieved if you have everything else in your life straight.

1. Clean your house, apartment, room, work desk.

2. Get enough sleep and try to stay on some sort of sleep routine.

3. Exercise.

4. Social network, but make sure to take nature retreats.

5. Calm Family and home with finances in order.



Nature Retreats is a good way to take a break because you are taking a break from technology- which is different than deciding to stop filming, writing or painting for a long period of time. Taking a nature retreat for a day or an afternoon is healthy. It is the best way to get inspired. But, brain numbing is not a good way to clear your head as I wrote in my previous blog.

Brain numbing = being unconscious and being unconscious is a form of avoidance. Here are some ways people numb themselves.

Brain numbing:

1. Alcohol.

2. Drugs.

3. Video Games.

4. Internet- Hours on the internet (surfing, social media & etc).

5. Watching TV or Films (I am not just saying for a 3-4 hours, but spending nearly your entire day in front of the tv).

There is nothing wrong with numbing your brain from time to time. I am not advocating illegal substances, but rather legal brain numbing activities are fine in limited quantities. It is better to do brain numbing for short periods of times rather than getting stuck in it. When one becomes stuck in "brain numbing" unconscious living, time slips and so does your goals and truly living.  Real living is not numbing yourself with drugs, alcohol, technology, tv and etc.

Real living is being conscious and present and paying attention to others. Being open to meeting new people and not willing to retract in to your comfort zone. When you become conscious,  you begin to absorb more of life and you begin experiencing more, thus having more of life to draw from. When you allow yourself to experience new things, you become a better writer, filmmaker, artist because you have created new memories and stories to share with the world.

Networking and the Socially Awkward

In this rough economy, networking and building your base is stressed more than ever before. It is stressed so much in fact, that it stresses me out just hearing it over and over again. Regardless of what industry you are in, it seems that having social skills is the key to obtaining a job. Success as it seems is directly related to who you socialize with and if you come across as someone that can play like a team.

The problem that I find with this constant talk of networking, making friends with everyone you come in contact with and trying to broaden your social base is that not all of us are good at it. I am good at networking virally, but not necessarily comfortable in almost any social situation. I also feel that not every successful person is the popular extravert. Some people are naturally capable of blending in to almost any crowd, striking up a conversation, becoming easily liked and easily understood. While, there are some of us like me that does not fit in to one social group. I constantly find myself feeling socially awkward and uneasy around some people. It takes me a long time to get to know people, trust people, and adjust. 

It seems that in most social circles, if you do not "show your face" in these groups- you are not participating. Even if it is fake, it seems that one must show their face in order to give the appearance or the illusion that they are participating. In my personal opinion, it is necessary to socialize and network. But at the same time, relationships have to form naturally. We must put ourselves out there, allow ourselves to grow and learn and get to know people. But, friendships can not be forced because we all have free will and those that do not like you, have their right not to. So, for those of us that may not belong, we move on and work with people that do get us and understand our personalities. 

In my opinion, networking is important. But, I also think that sometimes blending in and not really belonging to any one group but being your own individual- is much more important. Flexibility comes with those that do not stay within their own comfort zone. Those that step out of their comfort zone, have the ability to be open to any person or situation. And as long as one remains genuine and true to oneself- making the right connections for the right type of employment will fall in to place naturally.