God and War

The breaking news of Tim Hetherington's death, left the worst sunken feeling in my gut, one that baffled me because I had no idea that my own body would let me know how I felt about this great war Photojournalist/documentarian's death. Sometimes, we are unaware of how something impacts us until our body lets us know. From the moment I found out until just about an hour ago- I had finally stopped crying. I lay in bed most of the day feeling so emotionally ill. Restrepo was an important film and the impact of Tim's death hit me because of my personal connection to the subject. I had done my best until this point to avoid or minimize discussing my direct connection to war, our military forces, and or my own personal feelings. Not just for the need to pack for Syracuse and get ready for S.I. Newhouse, Graduate school for film. But specifically because of politics, the sensitivity of the subject and film community. I have always tried to be careful, always tried hard to never bring up the fact that I am married not just to a soldier, but to an Army Officer- especially being a filmmaker. Most people look at me confused because the two careers seem to be extremely different. Polar opposites even. Most people automatically assume that they know my political and religious views once they find out that my husband is an Officer. They would assume that I am a conservative Christian, a right-winged Republican, a pro-war Army wife and a die hard Fox fan.

What people do not realize is that there are levels of these things, variations and degrees so that not all individuals fit specifically such stereotypes. If anything, I consider myself to be more or less independent with regards to my political beliefs and having grown up Christian, I tend to shy away now from fundamentalism and organized religion where there is a pressure to attend, join or congregate with only a group of individuals within a specific building. So, my choice is to worship God my own way and what I have found most effective is attempting to set an example in the work that I do as an artist, writer, filmmaker and fellow creative. It is in the subjects I choose to film, the reasons I pick them, and my sincere love and compassion towards them. I am not a war-hungry individual or one that lives a typical military lifestyle, an obedient Army Wife that just follows her husband around and has babies and lives on post. I change my hair color and style a lot. I cut 10 inches of hair recently and died it purple and black, just because. I have 2 dogs at 34 and my husband and I do not have kids yet and this is by choice. We do not live on post and he allows me the freedom to live where ever I want and he respects the fact that film is important to me and respects my having to travel to NYC or LA and other places to film stuff. If it was not for David's (husband) and his successful "Army" career as a Commander in the Army, I would not have the film equipment, the time, and the freedom to film as much as I do.David is the reason I am able to film anything at all and has been my biggest fan and supporter. Without my experiences with him, I would never have written my book Scars of Valor. A book still in the revision process and I hope to get published. It is based upon a true story- our lives, from the view point of the wife. It chronicles two wars and how it effects lives, families, and describes the sacrifices that military families have to endure, most of which no one has ANY idea the challenges and the real sacrifices military families endure on a regular basis. Yet, my husband's Army Career does not have to interfere with my dreams. He does not allow it and neither do I. We support each other and our careers. He is a Republican and I am more independent. He watches Fox and I watch it with him too some of the times. I have also watched NBC, ABC, CBS, and BBC to get an objective view, I tend to flip through all of them and also I rely on honest filmmakers such as Sebastian Junger and the work of Tim Hetherington to get the best objective reality of what is taking place in the world. Now, being Korean/Puerto Rican, and female filmmaker and writer- I am unique in that I have a diverse pool of friends. I have extreme liberal friends, extremely conservative friends. I have Christian friends who go to church regularly and constantly send me bible verses, they are the same that disagree with gay marriage and etc. But for me, I do not fit in one box. Like my little film company American Mutt Studios. That is what I am. I am an American Mutt, a mixture of 2 ethnic cultures and even more cultural diversification surrounding me because I have traveled so much, having grown up a military brat and now a military wife.

Today's soldiers are misjudged, misunderstood and rarely have an objective party in the media or film community to expose these misjudgments. Here, I address a couple of examples. First, one main component that is often missed in media today are our women who serve in our military. Where are their stories and how often are they covered? Rarely. Their stories are often glazed over, missed, and never recorded or reported. They are incredibly strong female soldiers who have to deploy (2 or 3 times or more just like our men) despite their children at home and they sacrifice so much to serve our country. Second, most male soldiers are still depicted as crazy dudes with PTSD, shaved heads, a beer in one hand and screaming at their wives. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real disorder, one that most, if not all individuals returning from war go through. One who serves in traumatic situations such as having to endure war, does not return unaffected by what they experienced. Whether you are a soldier in the military or a reporter, anyone working and experiencing severe chaos and extreme events, are bound to be effected by such events in some way.

Now, the level of each individual's trauma, how they cope, and if they have to receive medical treatment is unique on a per case by case basis. Each person is different, each unique and everyone's level of coping and their ability to cope varies. So, while yes there are soldiers that return from war and break the law or act dangerously (being a harm to others and themselves). There are also soldiers that reach out to family loved ones or they cope privately in their own way. Most generic stereotypes are just that, they are not the majority or overall every day reality for most military families coping with returning Veterans.

Many Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans are not ashamed to seek out the help they need. Some do deal with it by internalizing all of it, tucking it away in their hearts, they silently never speak of the pain or the horrors they experienced and they are able to function despite their repressed emotions. Another false overused stereotype of our military men and women serving today is the frequent depiction of poverty and that individuals go in to the military because they could not afford to go to school, they do not have money and do not know what else to do with their lives. Wrong. Today's military men and women are very different. They have their Bachelor's, Master's and even Doctorate degrees. They are scientists, logisticians, lawyers, business men, musicians, artists, and more. Our military men and women are more than just a uniform. They wear their uniform as a part of their job, but they are more than just their job.

No one understood the misconception of our military or experienced the war and the soldiers better than Tim Hetherington. This is why the death of Tim Hetherington was so sad and such a tragedy. It hit me so hard, that I cried as if I had lost my own husband. I cried as if I had known him my entire life. Tim connected not to the "soldier," but to the human inside, beyond the military gear. Tim was known for his bravery and most recent work with Sebastian Junger as co-director and photojournalist of the amazing documentary Restrepo. What was amazing was that no one understands just how brave he was for having lived with our soldiers at Out Post Restrepo in Afghanistan. Since the film, OP Restrepo has been closed and if most poeple do not know- out posts in Afghanistan or Iraq are usually named after fallen soldiers. If you watch interviews with Tim Hetherington, you can see a rare quality that most filmmakers, most famous people, most Christians- do not have and most humans LACK. He had a reflection of true humility. He was able to be great and yet so humble. He was able to bond with the soldiers at OP Restrepo and live with them for an entire year. At one point he had broken his leg filming Restrepo, it was either jump and break his leg or get killed. He jumped and still remained filming with his broken leg. He wanted to get to the heart of the men that serve our country. He wanted to bring to the world something authentic and unbiased and realistic. He wanted to bring a human story to his audience because truthfulness and authenticity mattered to him as a filmmaker and photojournalist.

And as most people that truly knew him, stated that Tim was the real deal. I did not have the honor of knowing him or meeting him personally, but following him and Sebastian Junger's work, I watched enough interviews on Tim and knew his work intimately enough because he had that effect on me. He forced his audience to be intimate with him, he was unguarded in that way and honest. Watching his interviews again and again, I could not help but see so much of my husband in Tim. David is someone who runs 7 miles in the rain, who trains physically to endure situations no human should ever have to experience. Someone who will be sent again to Afghanistan- this will be our third deployment. Someone who wears a silver arm band with our friend Tyler's name on it- someone that we both knew that died last year in Afghanistan. David takes off that arm band only to take a shower. He wears it everywhere, and just as I hold the memories of those that have fallen in my heart. I was asked by close friends recently and often- "How do you do it?" or "Why do you do it? Why does HE do it?" If not for the Tim Hetherington's and David's of the world- then who? Which photojournalists should we send to Japan, to Egypt, to Iraq, to Afghanistan? When our Country was attacked on 9/11- which soldiers should we send? Who should go out there? IF our country was attacked TODAY- who should we send? Whose husband? Whose brother? Whose father? I prefer for most religious individuals and non-religious individuals to show with their actions that they care for our soldiers, that they care for the faces fighting for our Country rather than express generic statements of prayer.

The word Prayer I find is as overused as the word Love. It is so overused that it is often thrown out there, from just about anyone. I suppose even people of no religious preference can pray, this is not what I mean. What I mean specifically is the laziness of most humans today that lack the real dedication and the discipline it takes to follow through with statements they make. It ought to not be simply tossed about without completely understanding the weight of its meaning by individuals of such religious or otherwise non-religious backgrounds misusing the word. Most of the time, the first reaction when people find out about deployments, war, and my husband- their immediate reaction is pity. It is a reaction that makes me ill because people do not understand. Extreme religious or political people and when I say extreme- I mean just this. Extremists I avoid, those that endlessly debate topics of religion, politics, the rights of gay marriage and on and on. Regardless of which side you are on, I prefer to remain independent and have never taken a side on the above. But, what I do find most disturbing is plastic sincerity of any kind, superficial kindness and overused or misused terms or phrases that are not delivered in its authentic states and more used as a means to fill up space in a conversation. Phrases such as "How are you?" and "Love ya!" and "Praying for the soldiers!" and "Will call you, we'll do lunch some time."

There are people that say such things and they mean what they say. But, then there are those that almost always use generic statements without the knowledge of its true meaning or the awareness that now they have just committed in words a sort of promise to another person they are speaking to. I have thought deeply on my own words, went back and revised this article simply because I understand the weight of words and I am sensitive to those that request for me to revise and rethink my words. Words are very powerful, social media and the internet is a strong tool to be used carefully. So, as I rethink what I say here, I equally request my readers and audience to really think deeply when asking questions and to understand the right question to ask. When I say that my husband is a Captain, a Commander of the United States Army- and yes he will be sent out again to Afghanistan. It is wise to think about the question you are asking because most people will ask me why? Why was Tim Hetherington in Libya? Why did he risk his life numerous times? Why do most photojournalist do this? Why do reporters risk their lives? Why do fire fighters? Why did Tim break his leg while filming Restrepo and still continued filming, then went off to go to Libya? Was it that he wanted to help Sebastian Junger deliver to the world one of the best and most accurate and objective documentaries on war ever done? Was having integrity in his work as a filmmaker and photojournalist that important to him?

Why does Anderson Cooper risk his life and reporters like him? Why did Tim do it? Why does my husband David do what he does? 3 deployments with a degree? A smart guy who is planning on getting is Master's degree soon. Is he an idiot? Are they all just STUPID? So, as most people ask and continue to over and over and over. WHY??? Maybe in the most ideal world, we could all say what we mean and do what we say. In the most ideal world we could all believe what ever we feel about someone else, their religion or politics and no one would get offended. In the most ideal world we would not have to go to war and in this perfect Utopian world, Fox news and NBC would get along and everyone would never feel sorrow or ever cry or there would never be any drama and REAL LIFE and there would not be any heartache or suffering. But readers, here is the truth.

Drama in life is inevitable. WARS, they exist and they always have and the world we live in will never stop fighting. Conflicts exist and it always will. I hate to say it. It does not make it right and I am not saying I agree with war or that I like drama. I want life to be easy too. Unfortunately, sometimes these real dramas in our lives need to be experienced, reported, announced, and brought to the world in order for us to not ignore national or international issues. I am not an advocate of lying in our bed crying all day- but we need to as a part of the human race that feels this tragedy in our gut and thus care. We ought to care more about other people and what is going, not just in the United States but around the World. It is unfortunate for those that say "I don't want any drama in my life." Then fine- good luck trying to find your Utopian society, because it does not exist. You can minimize drama in your life and if you want to avoid people like me or Tim who aren't afraid of scary situations and drama, then maybe avoiding ruffling the water in your life will work for you. People learn from crisis. People grow and gain character through tragedy. People overcome circumstances they never thought they could and muster strength they did not know they had and all through the dramatic elements in their lives. Some people prefer humorous movies, comedies, jokes, lighter moments, and absolutely fluid waters without the ruffles or waves or conflicts. There is nothing wrong with wanting a smooth existence. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live a life what is full of fun vacations. But, in my reality and in most- vacations do not last a lifetime.

I am more in favor of a real display of kindness, generosity, love, respect, and genuine concern for others- even if it effects your own peaceful world. God or the "Jesus" type of humility and reflection are rare to find today. But, you can see this reflection in humble individuals who have done great things and rarely need to speak of them or announce them. I am not one that has mastered such reflection, but my husband is one such individual with a humble and quiet disposition. He is someone willing to lay down his life for his country and strangers every single day and yet most of us in the military are often misunderstood. Humility and God reflects in men like Tim Hetherington who are necessary in order to bring us real and true documentaries that are honest. Not twisted media or films that are anti-war or pro-war or pro-Christian or anti-religion. Just men who are humble and honest and when they die- we should all be in tears. It is a tragedy that some of our best photojournalists today have died along with our soldiers who risk their lives every day.

I write this today out of sincerity, honesty, and sheer frustration over some of the people in my life that claim to believe in the power of a God they have not met or still yet understand. God, the spirit of God is the very act of unselfish and raw love. It is the kind of love for human kind stripped of self. It is being there for someone through times of pain or yes shall I dare say, drama. Yes, I have not spoken about this or brought it up for some time for this very reason. Today, media and war is a necessary marriage because someone needs to report what is happening around the world. Today, media and those in film today like Sebastian Junger, Tim Hetherington and the few that are committed to being honest filmmakers. They are committed to reporting and can be amazing documentary filmmakers and maybe never have gone to church or an organized religion. But, they would be the first one to die for what they believe in, for truth and to report history so that others can understand humanity in an inhumane world. So, when I think of great photojournalists, I often reflect on our soldiers, and media today. Tim has given us hope, that you can still be a filmmaker and be honest and be humble and still care more for others than yourself. So, as an Army wife and one whose husband will be deploying a third time I prefer no words of prayer for our soldiers, unless you understand the meaning and the weight of those words.

That prayer, like love, are not words to be used flippantly. Love and Prayer are words that ought to be taken seriously, their weight measured by their meaning and make up. These are not words one should not use to fill up a conversation. When you say you are praying for our soldiers, that is a promise. Prayer is a commitment, like love. So, I prefer no words of love or admiration or assumption that one understands what war is like or what soldiers go through or death feels like unless one has truly placed oneself in that other person's shoes. Pity is not necessary for those who sacrifice willingly and know the consequences and dangers and love what they are doing and understand why they are doing what they do. Sorrow is good, a deep sense of loss and understanding and empathy is good. However, there are the Tim Hetherington's of this world that need to exist. There are soldiers that need to be soldiers in order to protect our country. If we all backed out of danger, there would be no documented history, no photojournalists, no news and our country- well, without men and women to decide to defend our country. We would not have one. It is better to be the kind of friend that can be strong enough to weather both the good and bad times of someone's life and not leave or become disheartened when you learn that people in your life are flawed. People are not perfect. It is better to be that kind of friend that can sit down with someone and make them laugh, watch a movie and see that despite circumstances. There are many things that can be achieved regardless of where a person is at in life great things can be achieved so as long as you understand what real love for others mean.

Tim Hetherington understood real love. He had that kind of love and compassion for all of his subjects that he captured behind his lens. They were not just faces to him, they were human beings. He connected with those soldiers when filming Restrepo and as Sebastian Junger stated "Couldn't finish his speech- because he started to cry." Tim cried and wept for those that he connected with- that is more than art, it is more than simple media and filming people to make money or have fame. It is unique to be an artist, a filmmaker and be as humble and caring as Tim. I strive to be like him. If I can strive to be as great and humble as he was and yet make amazing films. It would be the perfect balance. Sometimes we want to ask why people do dangerous things? Sometimes we want to know why there is conflict or violence or natural disasters or things we can or can not control? But, I think the better question is not in the why of such things. It is in the "Who?" Who will go? Without the Tim Hetherington's and fire fighters and soldiers, and reporters who do dangerous jobs, our world could and would not exist.

Sonyo Lee Ferstl

The 9/11 Generation and The Fight Against Terrorism

When 9/11 took place, my husband was getting ready to get his Master's Degree in political science and was also interested in history as well. Being a well traveled individual and one that has read more literature, classic novels than anyone I know- it equally made him a very good writer. I am still waiting for him to write a novel about his own personal experiences in war and fuse it together with his knowledge of history and politics. David was interested in writing full time and being a full time Graduate student until he stared at the twin towers burning into the ground and it gripped him like nothing in his life. 

Being heavily interested in political science, wanting to be a political journalist- he is not one to debate with unless you are a lawyer or a professor of history, politics, and law. It is no joke, when I first met my husband and even now, I am blown away by his knowledge of the world. This was a man who, by his photographic memory, quoted an entire page with the actual page number of text from a Saul Bellow novel to me. He quoted it casually, not even aware of his amazing recall ability and memory. He is highly intelligent, one that reads several different news papers and news sources daily- cover to cover and he absorbs what he reads. For me, I have to read something several times before I understand it completely. 

And like me, he has a diverse pool of friends. He has friends who come from all sorts of ethnic cultures, who come from a variety of political views and religious beliefs. He would often get into friendly banter with those that felt torn about current times during that moment in U.S. history. The decision to go in to Iraq was a sensitive subject for most people and it still is today. But, David had said "While those continued to debate here and cast their vote- I voted with my life." So, 9/11 had changed the course of his life and mine as well. He made a decision at that moment to go to OCS (Officer Candidate School) and is now a Captain and a Commander who works closely with those that have served in Special Forces and now supports our Infantry. As I said before, I am a filmmaker and writer and so I did not predict I would ever marry an officer in the military. 

When our military serves, their entire family serves as well and without moral support our military can not do what they do. My husband was a part of the successful surge in Iraq, having been sent to the most dangerous parts of Iraq and also Afghanistan. We have gone to many funerals, have lost many friends, and have witnessed bravery and teamwork, like no Hollywood film could ever do justice. Our military, as I have said before are without doubt the best today than it ever has been. We have those that are highly skilled and educated and they sacrifice so much to serve our country. Today, our military serve multiple deployments leaving for a year at a time. During the surge in Iraq, David served for 15 months as our Army out of all branches in the military- serve the longest at war. David then served a year in Afghanistan. He is scheduled to go again to Afghanistan for a 3rd deployment and we are both ready. 

Most people do not know, it was not just the Navy Seals tracking Bin Laden, but as a whole from various military U.S. Special Forces units has also been apart of this search for Bin Laden and other such departments that supports United States Intelligence. After being separated from my husband for 27 months, having to lose friends in Iraq and Afghanistan and after many moments of praying and tears.  My husband and I felt this day of victory, that our U.S. Special Forces followed through an incredible man hunt. It took our Special Forces teams, and two Presidents- former President Bush and President Obama and many leads prior to this event which stretched this search out for nearly 10 years.

Today, we feel the victory in our hearts and the feeling that we have not served in vein, that we serve our great nation and are apart of something remarkable. Forever, we will remember this moment where my husband and I can one day tell our kids that their daddy served in Iraq and Afghanistan and the reason why he did was the direct result of what took place on 9/11. The war against terrorism is not over, there are still threats and the need to stabilize Afghanistan. But, the termination of one of the world's greatest terrorists is a victory every New Yorker, every family of 9/11 victims, and every American feels. I am proud to be an American. I am proud to be one who supports our country and our great Military forces. I am proud of my husband who would give up his life for this country and without regret. We have served 27 months in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will be more than proud to serve in Afghanistan next year for the purpose to ensure safety against the growth of terrorism. 

To all branches of our military, as the Army says-  "HOOAAAH!" Osama Bin Laden is officially deceased. We did it America, we did it.

Bi-Partisan: Divided States of America

bi·par·ti·san

adj

\(ˌ)bī-ˈpär-tə-zən, -sən, -ˌzan, chiefly British ˌbī-ˌpär-tə-ˈzan\

Definition of BIPARTISAN

: of, relating to, or involving members of two parties bipartisan commission>;specifically : marked by or involving cooperation, agreement, and compromise between two major political parties <bipartisan support for the bill>

Online Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Facts:

• Japan Death Toll (April 18th) according to CNN: 13,843
• Chaos in Egypt continues with a 10% unemployment rate, dozens of reporters arrested and beaten
• War in Libya
• War in Afghanistan continues, more troops are getting deployed and are scheduled to deploy.
• US Forces are still in Iraq
• US unemployment rate 8.8%

Questions:

1. Do we have time to continue to debate or think of anything other than what is going on in this world?
2. Is it just me or does the country feels more and more divided?
3. Is there such a thing as bi-partisanship anymore or does this no longer exist?
4. Can we put our politics aside to focus on what is important?
5. When making a judgement about ones religion or politics, shouldn't we all keep in mind that there might just be variations, grades, degrees of such controversial and heavily debated topics, such as how left or right a person is, that there are variation such as the variation of colors? * blue and red: blue, navy blue, blue/black, metallic blue, light blue, baby blue, aqua, turquoise  * red, dark red, red/black, cherry red, apple, metallic red, light red, maroon, brick, pink 
6.  Are not most media if not all media outlet labeled "liberal" outlets and if so, is this bad or good or just not true?
7. If such subjects are "cut and dry," should there be a fair representation of all political parties by media sources today?
8. If there is an unbalance of representation regarding political views, how might this be corrected? If we want to show grades of blue and red, should we first admit that there are layers and grades of both colors?
9. Are we as a country able to reflect change beginning with ourselves first, leading by example?
10. How long should we focus on who is right or wrong, the things we can not change like other people (who and what they are, there background or history)?

I am Independent without an agenda other than to try and make sense and understand. I have no answers other than to pose these reflections as just that- asking the real hard questions and to learn how to accept where we are currently. I take no sides. I am not assuming or saying anything in subtext. I am wondering if anyone else is exhausted by the silliness of what takes up airtime on the news? As I admitted in my last article/blog, I know there is conflict and I know the importance of bringing to light valid issues that our country should consider. But, I sincerely wonder if this country is tired from so much division tearing in to the fabric of our love, turning us against one another. I wonder how many people are sick of listening to political smearing and character assassinations from all sides of the political spectrum? I wonder if we as the great country of the America are saddened by the fact that we may have to rename our country as "Divided America" instead of "United?" Can we ever find it in ourselves to move forward, see eye to eye as a nation and come together in a bi-partisan way? I wonder if we can ever lay aside our bickering and truly focus on what is really important in our own nation.

We should form bonds, grasp on to each other's hands and support one another. Because if we do not, I fear the worst that can happen is that this division will weaken this great nation we have fought so hard to keep unique and independent and powerful. I fear that our country will weaken to such a degree that we will not be able to repair ourselves  and in our weakened state, we become a target for other countries to not only destroy themselves, but attack us and bring us down in the process. If too weak, our nation may never have the capability of helping other countries, fight for their freedom, democracy, and rights. We must first strengthen ourselves and stop fighting amongst each other. We should not be seeing each other as the enemy. I just hope we do not wait until it is too late. I still hold on with the hope that we can recover and renew ourselves and make a positive change. 

Sonyo Lee Ferstl

Hiking For Traumatic Brain Injury

Hello All,


I want to share my latest adventure! I'm participating in the Pikes Peak Challenge Hike For Brain Injury Awareness on Saturday, September 12, 2009. I will be hiking Barr Trail on 14,110 foot Pikes Peak. When I finish, I will have hiked 13 miles and 7,400 vertical feet to the summit to join other hikers and supporters in celebration of brain injury awareness and prevention.


Although this is quite an undertaking considering the altitude and possible weather conditions I might encounter, it pales in comparison to what survivors of Traumatic Brain Injury face everyday. In the United States a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) occurs every 23 seconds. Based on national estimates, there are more annual incidences of Traumatic Brain Injuries than Multiple Sclerosis, Spinal Cord Injuries, HIV/AIDS and Breast Cancer put together. It is estimated that over 20% of our American Soldiers are returning home with a TBI.


In this country there are 3 million persons living with breast cancer and public spending is $295 per person, 900,000 persons living with HIV/AIDS and public spending is $18,111 per person but there are 5.3 million persons living with disability from TBI and public spending is $2.55 per person! Research into treatment of TBI receives less than one penny of every Federal dollar spent on medical research. This is why I am involved!


I'm raising money and doing this, because in the tough times with the economy and with our own lives there are ways to uplift our spirits. A crucial aspect to our happiness is to volunteer for others and to do selfless acts. I am a strong believer that when you give to others for a good cause, those that are in worse situations that you can never imagine; you are giving to this universe and great things always comes back around to us.


If you would like to support my endeavors to make a difference, there are two ways to donate. You can donate directly to me online at this link below. https://www.pikespeakchallenge.com/includes/donation_search.php?hiker=Sonyo%20Ferstl


This is a special event of the Brain Injury Association of Colorado and you will be able to print a tax-deductible receipt for your donation.


Thank You,
Sonyo Lee Ferstl

WHY FAMILY MATTERS

Let’s face it, we are all capable of being more generous, open, and loving however- we aren’t always willing to do it. I have realized today that family matters more than we know. Whenever doubt or worry plague me, I can always count on my sister Ipuna to shed some light my way. Although she is a mother of 3 and a wonderful wife to a husband that goes to school full time- she’s always by my side to take my calls. I am her older sister, but she always seems to make a way to let me know she loves me.

I am not a mother but I've always wanted to be one. I see my sister’s as a great example of what a mother should be. I can’t remember my niece and nephew’s age to save my life. I’ve got so many sister’s with baby’s now. My oldest sister Maria has 3 kids, my second oldest sister has 1 girl, and my second youngest sister has 3 kids. My little sister and I don’t have any children yet! Anyway, Ipuna is an amazing person and I hope everyone has a sister just like mine. I recall people asking us in the past (before she was a wife and mother) if we were best friends? Well, we are! People couldn’t believe that we were sisters because we were so close, we always seemed to be the best of friends. It’s alright to actually get along with siblings.

The one thing that I love to do more than anything is write, as it has become a part of who I am and why I chose to get into the film industry. I called my sister the other day because I simply wanted to discuss the script I just finished. She was breast feeding and told me she had her “Hide-A-Hooter” wrapped around her? How funny is that! Well, that’s what the thing is actually called and it’s exactly that. She was breast feeding in public with her “Hide-A-Hooter” wrapped around to hide her- you know what, and watching her 2 other children (still can’t remember how old they are….Kobi is 7 yr and Xayla is 3 yrs…I think). Without going into what she was doing, she closely paid attention to what I had to say. This blew me away because she could have been irritated and angry but she wasn’t. She genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say and usually I’m the one rambling at the mouth about something.

I know we all deal with our own issues but in the end- family means the most to us all! What happens when we are going through a tough “writer’s block” moment or when we are in between jobs trying to settle in to something? Who is here for us? I have close friends but my sister is one of my most favorite people in my life. She’s just not my sister- she’s an amazing person. She juggles driving, having 3 kids, working full time so that her husband does not have to work and focus only on dental school, and she still makes time to talk to me. My sister Angela is the same way too. She calls me when she can, but she has a child and 3 jobs! Whenever I miss her call- I feel bad because I know that she went out of her way for me.

I am not a mother, I am not a wife…I’m a film student graduate and an artist pursuing my dream in Los Angeles, California. As shallow and cold this place can be, it can be equally rewarding, beautiful, and amazingly welcoming. It’s not easy dealing with L.A. and it’s not easy dealing with all the economical changes. Current changes has included: New Line Cinema and Warner Brother’s Independent closing shop, recovering over the writer’s strike, and now a possible SAG strike. If you include the gas prices, the increase loss of jobs (a part of GM closing down and some of the airline’s as well)- there are many unemployed people looking for work. It can be very discouraging and in these times what has helped me the most is family.

It’s amazing when I can simply call one of my 4 sisters and I know that if they are busy- they will call me back and I have someone to talk to. More importantly, I realize that it’s not always about me- it’s about listening. What is active listening anyway? The key to better communication with ANYONE is active listening, because listening is an ART. When you learn how to truly digest what other's say, you begin to understand that there is more to life than complaining about the drama in our own. So, the next time you are feeling down or begin worrying about the chaos exploding around you- stop and think about what someone else might have going on in their own world. We often don’t realize how easy it is for all of us to forget that there is an entire world out there with situations far worse than our own. More importantly, we have family that love and care for us and friends who would drop everything for us. I have friends that will stop what ever it is they are doing- just to let me know that I have their full, undivided attention.

It’s time for all of us to do the same. If you are dealing with issues in your life and you really need someone to listen to you. Try calling someone: a family member or a friend and ask them how they are doing. Better yet, try listening to them speak and just wait until they are completely done before telling them about your problems. More chances than not, you will realize something about yourself- life is not so bad and that the world does NOT revolve around you. This week- I learned that once again and realized that I have a lot to be thankful for and too many people in my life that I owe my life to.

REVISITING THAT OLD SCRIPT

There are many things that leave me often puzzled in life. One is the drive that some of us have to write. I have read many books giving me advice on what I should and should not do as a writer. I read somewhere that if you want to be a successful screenwriter; we should crank out 10 scripts a year and be single because relationships often fuck up writers. In the long run does anyone have the perfect formula to be a successful anything other than tenacity?

About a year ago I finished a script that I had revised a hundred times or more. I thought I should throw it away because it was my first dark comedy and well, I was told that it should be darker, minus the comedy. Others thought that it was just…NOT FUNNY. Okay, so I realized that maybe I should move on to something else and I gave up on the script. I never claimed to be a comedian, and I also never claimed to know exactly what I was doing. To me the script was not just a dark comedy. It was about everyday life, what I knew and what I understood: fucked up relationships, life, and personal identity. While I know these topics are broad, I’ll refrain from telling you the full synopsis because I’ve learned the hard way- NOT to give out too much about works in the making.

Let’s just say that recently I picked it back up again during a position at a previous job that allowed me to sit for long periods of down time. I decided to fiddle around with it. I didn’t put any pressure on myself. I simply just wrote and I didn’t give myself time to think or worry about the imperfections, sometimes we can over think something, and before we realize it—we lose momentum and are paralyzed. What stops us from moving forward and using what drives us deep inside? What causes this “writer’s block”? Why do we get blocked and why do some of us breeze through what ever it is we’re working on? There is something that I would call “the switch”. Whenever this “switch” is on— it is like the floodgates are open in our mind and suddenly the words pore out like an avalanche—an unexpected overflowing of words. I’ve often felt my fingers unable to keep up with the words and my characters that speak to me in my head. It is like I can hear them and see them and I know what should happen next not because of any beat sheet I’ve followed, but because from my own gut instinct it is what should happen naturally.

This doesn’t always happen to me. Usually I feel conflicted with my own worries and that’s what I’ve found to be the worst stumbling block for any of us. When we are stricken with fear we become immobilized and unable to reach the center of our souls. When we are so stricken by worry and the need to be perfect, we remove the passion and love out of the gift we crave to use. Fear is likened to what nagging is to a relationship. It kills all the fun, joy, love, and passion- saps it and then we wonder what went wrong? Death of inspiration and death of the love affair we had for our: novel, script, poem, song, short story can have many excuses and reasons for why the love faded. When push comes down to shove, if you really look deep within yourself you will see exactly why “the switch” has not turned on for you. You are thinking too much and somewhere along the lines the more you thought about it the more you became afraid. We can think ourselves scared and that often leaves us immobilized. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, none of us are perfect. So how about we just let go of our thoughts and for once- STOP THINKING.

One insomniatic night I realized that I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t stand the thoughts and the over thinking and the worrying. I wanted so bad to change my situation (job, career, and personal successes) that I was unable do what I loved- WRITE. When I went to write, I often worried if what I’d write next would be good enough? I went over the script so many times that I almost felt like I had nothing left to give. Once you hit the bottom and you give up the notion that what comes out of you must be perfect and you say goodbye to your fears—watch out, because that switch will come on for you. And be aware, that your finger may not be able to keep up with the flood of words pouring out of you. So, if you are stuck: life, relationship, financial troubles, and you feel like it’s all getting in the way of your creativity, or if you simply feel stuck in a “writer’s block/rut”- DON’T GIVE UP! Chances are if you give yourself a break, and realize that you don’t have to produce perfection, or over-thinking about it all—you might just revisit that old piece of work you put up on the shelf years ago. Oddly enough, when you get rid of fear, other things in your life will fall in place too, and we’re not just talking about overcoming writer’s block. Don’t throw away old ideas, I didn’t, and I am very pleased with my completed script and its 101^st final revision!